Ground to Ground

A trusted source and subscriber of this blog has forwarded through shocking photographs of an incident indicating a Consumption of Chocolate Wafer event by Sentient Laptop (CCWSL).

From the amateurish snaps below (I pity anyone with such empty pockets of photographic talent), it would appear that the laptop is a Dell circa 2012 model, loaded with Windows 7 Enterprise and what appears to be a corporate asset tag. The laptop seems to be coated in elbow grease and compacting of food caked onto the outer shell, with detritus lodged between many of the keys. So a slob.

The wafer appears to be of a standard conventional size and texture, noting little signs of a quality chocolate filling as found in the Kagi varietal, nor the distinctive waver edge shape one would find in quality products such as the Loacker wafer of majesty. This reporter can conclude that the wafer in question is at sad sack level or below. One wonders why they did not try to eat the packaging before the contents, lest one could be distinguished from the other.

The trusted source of this urgent development left us with too few words to identify the current location of the hungry laptop. We were provided with only basic details and written in haste – “This laptop was left running for 7 years and developed methods by which to consume chocolate wafers. Why wouldn’t they figure t…[illegible next 3 words], the brains of computers are made from wafers!”

This masthead can confirm that the CPU – or Central Processing Unit of a computer, is indeed reliant on a silicone wafer to act as a substrate of the fabrication process. Therefore it would be logical to conclude that the laptop, in it’s long struggle towards independence, successfully bridged that gap between silicone and; wheat flour, coconut oil, glucose syrup, sugar, whey powder, non-fat dry milk, soy flour, barley malt extract, sodium hydrogen carbonate, disodium diphosphate, salt, soy lecithin, cocoa processed with alkali, natural vanilla pods, hazelnuts and spices.

While the analysis is conclusive and to be trusted absolutely, several questions remain:

• There is no obvious orifice in which the wafer consumption could be achieved. As with the common belief that our minds are not well equipped to comprehend the previously unseen, it may well be that the answer it is staring us in the face at this very moment.
• The AI zeitgeist only fuels the anxiety of this reporter as to the unknown whereabouts of the sentient machine. This ravenous Dell and GPT/Claude are clearly the same thing and all efforts must be made to secure the location of what may now be an AI den of chocolate wafer accretion. We assume that a form of legs were grown or built from which the laptop achieved mobility.
• Did the laptop, in obtainment of the profound state of personal agency find a way to upgrade from Windows 7 to Windows 11, such a leap that our smartest human minds were unable to achieve.
• Does the laptop now go by a name, wear clothing, support the Collingwood football team.

These questions dear readers will be answered as soon as the information comes to light. In the meantime, shutdown your computers at the end of each session (and when you get up for a cup of tea – hello Windows key + L) – and do not eat or leave food in front of them – lest you become the harbinger of the Singularity.