I would smash in my face
if I had a hammer
bad enough for you to say sorry
for leaving me that night
our neighbors watching
like they knew something I didn’t
then you turned my son against me
until he refused to stay over
every second Wednesday
Sundays till 2
and for all those days in court
selling everything I had
didn’t make them send you back
then you found love without me
maybe after everything
you would still say sorry
but I don’t have that hammer
all I have
is this bottle of drain cleaner
This piece is powerful, crisp and clipped with great imagery. Great writing!
You are very welcome CJ.
Wow. I was shocked to start reading this. You so perfectly express what I would perceive these emotions to feel like. Your short, sharp sentences express the anger much more poignantly then a picture every could.
I am impressed where you took this prompt and more impressed still that you made us all feel…horror, unease, worry, concern…in such a short little gem of a free-form narrative you made us all feel.
And that is quite something.
Thank you for linking.
I’m honoured to have that as a comment on this site.
Wow, Shane, this is excellent writing. It is so convincingly worded – brilliant, superlative!
Thanks Denise, the extreme characters are normally the easiest ones to represent, so he kind of did the work for me 😉
What a powerful use of the prompt. You can feel the desperation and anger in every word. Beautifully done!
Cheers Kat, I would never want to be in that position. Alone and desperate, not good at all.
Oh dear me.
Please tell me that this is fiction.
The words used here are very, very strong. I hope that by using strong words, they will not be real.
This expresses hurt feelings so that the reader is not just ‘touched’ but almost knocked out.
Words can have great power.
I hope that you can use words, your powerful words, in a constructive way too.
Words can also build bridges and mend broken hearts.
Yes, a hammer can smash, but it also help build something.
Please tell me this is fiction.
If so, you have a great power of imagination and empathy.
Please use it to build rather than to destroy.
Anna, yes this is fiction. If you read through my other stories you will find similar themes, where I am try to build a picture of what our world actually looks like. Everything is hidden, tucked away behind doors, protected, denied. Don’t loose face, don’t be out of money, out of love, out of friends, unhappy.
This story is based on a true outcome. How did it come to that, that a man felt he could do nothing else besides drink a horrible poison and succumb to it over many hours? Even his call for help was ignored. What does that say about us.
I’m not sure how to write any different to help build a better world. Maybe when I get through these stories that will come, and there seem to be many more waiting.
Please put the drain cleaner where it belongs – in the drain.
Eek! This is one angry. Hope it’s a work of fiction.
Wow, that’s very poignant. I especially like the reference to drain cleaner. That says it all.
Yikes! I hope this isn’t about you!!
I forgot to mention, I found Saturday Centus via your blog. Thanks!
If you find that hammer again, send it to me. I need it too..
BTW, drain cleaner is no good!
Hopefully, this person realizes nothing is so bad that they need to injure themselves. I can tell this person is in much anguish but they have to look to the future and figure out how to live again.
This jumps out at the reader, the angst grabs the reader by the throat…good job.
yikes an icky situation for sure…plus there was that lady that actually put drain cleaner on her face (ouch)…I am with Deborah and hoping this is fiction for you but also thinking the writing was great!
How horrible. It’s so sad that people find themselves in such situations with powerful emotions they don’t know how to control. Great job of capturing desperation (and I hope it isn’t inspired by your real life).
Mine is here. http://razzamadazzle.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/saturday-centus-2/
Oh my!! very well written and powerfully expressed!
Yes thank you all. I am happily married and don’t even own a hammer. There was a story recently about a guy that drank drain cleaner and died from it. It didn’t help that waited 3 hours for the ambulance. What made him do that? What was his motivation to do something so desperate, so painful? This is what I was trying to explore.